Just a Beginning

I really love my friend Becca. She is one of those people that everyone is drawn to. I've been reading her blog for years now. Like four years. Becca really introduced me to this concept of blogging. I'd also say that she is the only person who EVER checks this page for any possible postings or changes, and so I feel pretty safe writing just about anything here. I'm not a very calm person. I get really nervous when there's a lot of chaos, and then I turn around and get really fidgity when there's nobody else here. I ramble a lot, but I really try to think through what I want to say. Yes, that's right, I'm a waffler. Few things really satisfy me, and I rarely stick to any one thing for the long term. I'm being vague. I'm trying to write out some of things I want to work on and improve in myself. I look back on all these years I've been trying to lose weight and I'm truly astounded at how many times over I could have gotten this under control! I can make a really great start. I'm educated on the subject. I KNOW what to do! I just fail over and over to do it. It affects everything. My personality, my career choices, my ability to have children. It breaks my heart. And yet here I am 27 years old and just as heavy as ever. I'm going to blog. I'm not going to tell anyone I'm blogging. I don't need to feel self conscious about it. But I do need someplace to get some things out. Some fears and some dreams and maybe some tears. I hate crying. Not when other people cry, but the loss of control I feel when I cry. That's OK. If the only person reading is Becca, then she has certainly seen me cry before. And if she's not reading, I'm still gonna write like she is, because I never have to lie to Becca. That's a comfort.